03-29-05

I am not proud.

The other day I saw a seeing eye poodle. It was wearing little boots. It had never before occurred to me that a poodle could be a seeing eye dog, but it seemed to be doing a good job.

Also the other day, I caught my foot in the handle of my bag as I was getting out of the car and fell into a parking lot. It was the second time within a week that I found myself lying face down on concrete. It wasn't any more pleasant the second time.

Today I finished that skirt I started making a year ago. I was worried last year that I was too stupid to sew, but as it turns out, I was only too stupid to thread the sewing machine that my mom got as a high school graduation present in 1974. My mom threaded it for me, and then I was sewing like a pro. A very inexperienced pro who made a lot of mistakes and stopped every 30 seconds to ask her mom if she was doing it right. Finally my mom said, "I'm going for a walk!" and I had to finish it by myself, which is why the hem looks like it does. I think I will still wear it as a matter of principle.

1:12 a.m.

03-25-05

I would call this merely an OK Friday, but whatever.

I've been experiencing a newfound interest in baby foods. Not baby food, but foods babies sometimes eat. Like plain Cheerios and applesauce and goldfish crackers. Babies are smart to like things that they don't have to cook or cut up. Or, in the case of applesauce, chew. Cooking and cutting and chewing are for suckers.

I took a break from the baby foods yesterday to eat the World's Worst Apple. It tasted like nothing. There was no hint of sweetness or appley flavor anywhere in the whole thing. And I ate it all the way down to the core, because I kept thinking that maybe the next bite was where all the flavor was hiding.

I bought a second apple when I bought the World's Worst Apple. I am hoping that it is indeed true that one bad apple don't spoil the whole bunch, girl. Donny Osmond wouldn't lie to me, would he? He's a Mormon.

8:24 p.m.

03-24-05

I haven't got what it takes to wait and see.

Last week I went to Colorado briefly, which was something that I meant to write about here, but the whole not being able to add an entry thing has caused so much time to pass that I can't really remember what I wanted to write about it, or what I did while I was there, or why I went. And looking at my pictures doesn't help because I only took three decent ones, and then about 40 others of cats (cats who were very afraid of me) and pancakes (delicious pancakes!).

Oh, and patriot tissue:

I think that was my favorite thing about the whole trip.

Also, I love "Turtle and the Flightless Bird" by Devin Davis. I think I just listened to it for a whole hour.

2:09 p.m.

03-21-05

And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when.

Last week I crossed the Mississippi river twice and managed to not see it both times. The first time it was dark and the second time I was gazing at the St. Louis arch. I'd been talking about seeing it for four whole days, so you'd think that at some point I could've at least glanced down at it, but no.

Also, I discovered that when I'm riding on a train and hear a train whistle, I sing/hum/whistle "Folsom Prison Blues." And when I'm in Kansas City, I sing/hum/whistle "Kansas City." And when I see an oil well, I sing/hum/whistle The Beverly Hillbillies theme. After that, though, I usually start wondering how slick-talking city folk didn't swindle Jed out of his fortune before he moved to Beverly Hills, and I don't sing, hum or whistle anything for a while.

Today I fell down and skinned my chin.

8:53 p.m.

03-13-05

Watch that mansquito! Oh honey, watch that mansquito!

It is no secret that I enjoy movies of the giant bug genre, so yesterday's Mansquito premiere was a much looked-forward to event in my household (only by me, of course, but I am the only one that really matters anyway).

And Mansquito delivered everything that I expected of it. Here is a picture I drew about halfway through the movie depicting my feelings for about it. I know that I must've been really happy at the time, because in order to actually draw a picture, I have to be so happy that I forget that I can't draw.

And here is Mansquito himself! Followed by the usual reaction to Mansquito.

The #1 thing about Mansquito is that it didn't try to teach me anything or have a moral. Unless the moral was that it is wrong to test possibly dangerous mosquito-based vaccines on convicts, in which case, that is a lesson that I will remember for a long time. The worst thing about Mansquito is that they didn't leave the door open for a sequel. They could've called it Mansquito Sucks Again, which is reason enough to make a sequel.

Also, I think I might have some sort of exciting double life (which might involve battling mansquitos!), because I am covered with bruises. I can account for one of them (it is from when I thought I was walking on a sidewalk but I couldn't see it because it was covered with snow and it turned out that I was actually walking in someone's yard, which was ice covered and had a hill in it and I fell down, gracelessly, multiple times), but the rest are mysteries.

3:00 p.m.

03-09-05

Nobody dreamed you'd save the world.

All day I've been worried that my head is huge, because it got stuck in the head hole of my sweater this morning. For a while I thought that maybe I had accidentally bought a sweater in a girl's size, because I bought it at Goodwill, and the last time I was there I saw a jacket that was formerly mine in the men's section. It was actually really sad, because I thought, "Ooh! I like that jacket!" and was just about to try it on when I realized that it had already been mine at one point. It was like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind only with old clothes instead of love. And if they make a sequel to Eternal Sunshine, that's what it should be about. People getting their old jackets erased from their memory and then rebuying them , but then thinking, "Oh man, this jacket makes my neck itch and the sleeves are too short."

Back to the sweater with the tiny head hole, though, I don't think that I could actually wear anything in a girl's size, so it just must be that I have a huge head. A huge head that has somehow not affected my ability to wear any other clothing. It is mysterious.

Also, over the weekend it was discovered that I am covered by my dad's health insurance until my birthday this year, not until my birthday last year. I've been trying to avoid getting sick/hurt all year for no reason at all! To celebrate I ate a lot of expired food, then put on all black clothes and played in the street at night. I have to use a whole year's worth of health insurance in two months!

Also over the weekend, I was almost crushed between a woman with a shopping cart and an automatic door that refused to open for me. But I wasn't worried, because I have health insurance.

12:01 a.m.

03-03-05

My kingdom for a skedoodle!

The other day I saw a My Little Pony named Skedoodle, and at first I got kind of mad about it because I used to love My Little Ponies, and in my day they had respectable names like Majesty and Butterscotch. But the more I think about it, the more I think that I have to start using the word Skedoodle on a regular basis. Skedoodle. It's been a week and it still cracks me up.

Among the other various and numerous things that amuse me for no clear reason: this book cover. It's like, "I am William Shakespeare the giant! I have come to write plays and blind you with my shiny, hairless chest!" I took three classes in which Shakespeare was discussed, and I never learned that he waxed his chest. What, exactly, was I paying for?

Also and unrelatedly, I realized yesterday that I have a really weird impression of Japan because my primary exposure to it has been through horror movies and Murakami novels.

8:45 p.m.

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