2003-01-31
How can they be all so very unidentical?
The gummy worms I bought yesterday have eyes. Part of me thinks that is adorable. The other part of me thinks that my stomach hurts. A lot.
Also, my John Cale record finally came and I am listening to it in the dark with the window open, watching the snow fall.
2003-01-31
Crack me up
I just had to call the Ann Arbor Observer office for a patron. No one living outside Ann Arbor will understand the hilarity of this statement, but here is the truth: there is someone at the office of the Ann Arbor Observer at 4:15 on a Friday afternoon.
2003-01-31
On the next episode of [insert teenybopper tv show here]
What I meant to say earlier, before my computer went berserk and my stomach turned itself inside out, was that I found last night's Sights show a little disappointing. It was good, but there just seemed to be something that was missing. Some sort of energy that has been present in all of the shows that I've seen recently. It's nice to know that the crowd and the band are excited to be where they are. And last night I really couldn't tell.
Of course, my dislike of the show may have been caused by some disturbing news that I received beforehand. Can I please have at least one weekend where the world doesn't come crashing down around me? Angst! I'm too old for this.
2003-01-31
Early to bed (2:30am), early to rise (6:15am)
When I turned on my computer just now, the time in the system tray went from saying 06.57 to saying 06.!, which pretty nicely sums up my feelings about being totally wide awake, showered and online before 7am.
2003-01-30
My car has a poltergeist
Now my car starts right up, so really the only question is: go to Detroit and risk not being able to leave later or stay in the house where it is safe and warm (although not terribly safe as our fire alarm has not yet been reset)?
OK, I lied. There's really no question there at all. Detroit rock city, here I come!
2003-01-30
Since my baby left me
I've got the "car don't start so I'm going to miss the Sights show tonight" blues.
2003-01-29
Diseased
The doctor said that I have pityriasis rosea! And there is nothing really interesting about it except for the 'mother patch' which forewarns you of the coming of hundreds of other spots. It's kind of like in old sci-fi movies. When you see one giant spider, you know that others are on the way.
2003-01-29
The book of Duran Duran in the New Wave
I've just spent the last hour looking for my missing Duran Duran cd. It was truly the stuff that parables are made of: "For such a man is like the girl who, although she has many cds, searches for her wayward copy of 'Rio.'" Actually, it would have been more parabolic - um - parabally - well, like a parable if I had actually found it. And (sigh) I didn't (sigh).
2003-01-27
I'm fine until the spring thaw
Sometimes even I, the one person who should be able to anticipate and maybe even divert some of the stupid mistakes I make, can not even comprehend the dimensions of my ignorance. And to make matters worse, the mistakes I make are so totally ridiculous that I can't even say that I learn anything from them? What does one learn from having cans of frozen wild cherry Pepsi explode in her trunk? Well, I guess to unload groceries immediately, but come on, all of the outside world is a gigantic refrigerator, better than a refrigerator because it's colder and leaves fun little slushy pieces in your pop just like frozen Coke (or Pepsi, as the case may be. and no, after I started noticing the slushies, I didn't remove the pepsi from my trunk. i just thought, 'neato, slushies. this totally rules!' and left those suckers in there, never suspecting that they might actually freeze solid and explode. d'oh.)
2003-01-27
Ashton Kutcher in the middle ages
Tonight I wrote a story about Ashton Kutcher. It is in two parts because originally I wanted to do a dialogue something along the lines of The Owl and the Nightingale, but then I realized that that would be really difficult and I gave up. And so, I present:
Ashton Kutcher in the Middle Ages
"Sir Ashton, we have heard of a damsel in distress, what shall we do?"
"I'm a knight, Richard, and so there's only one wa to respond. Squire, where's my horse?"
"Here, sir. Are you sure you want to take such a great risk? The damsel is being held by a dragon of such - "
"Richard! A dragon! That is soooooo Anglo-Saxon England! We've been taken over the the French now, things have changed! We have fancy words like 'foreign' and 'poultry' now! I think we're past the whole dragon thing by now."
"But sir - "
"Silence, Richard! I will have you beheaded - cruel and unusual punishments won't be outlawed until well into the future, so don't think that I can't."
"Fine, sir. The dragon is probably a myth. They told me they saw a big red one, but they probably just had it confused with a yeti."
"Richard, I am off to save the damsel!"
Sir Ashton rode bravely on Walter, his trusty steed. (Much later, Sir Ashton would realize that his trusty steed was actually a zebra, but that is another story unto itself.) He rode through rain, snow, sleet, hail and everything, just like a mailman. In fact, Sir Ashton actually believed he was a mailman and stopped and made deliveries in every village along the way, which is why it took him so long to find the damsel even though she wasn't really far away. In fact, he took so long that in the meantime, she was saved by a tall Welshman with a big nose who befriended the dragon and promised that he would sing songs in his native language, songs of such great beauty and majesty that would astound the world. The damsel listened with great interest, but had no idea that the language her savior was speaking looked like gibberish because she was a woman in the middle ages so she couldn't read.
But ASHTON is the point of this story, Ashton who was delivering mail to confused English men and women. The English were confused for two very good reasons:
(1)No postal systems had yet been invented
(2)They couldn't read
However, after a while, they taught themselves how to read using letters from Publisher's Clearing House and advertisements for "The Biggest Sale of the Year" from J.C. Penney. And that is how Ashton Kutcher brought literacy to medieval England, which becomes even more ironic and touching when you take into consideration the fact that he himself cannot read.
The End.
2003-01-25
Zombie-fied
I was standing in the bathroom at Borders trying to see in the mirror, but the lighting kept leaving dark circles on my face. After moving forward, then backward, then left, then right, then forward again, and hopping up and down, I realized that those dark circles under my eyes were actually attached to my face.
After that, of course, I was totally excited about looking so much like the living dead and made eye contact with as many people as possible on the way home.
2003-01-25
A truly succesful friday evening should include a mandolin
How to have a good night
By kim.
(1)British men playing alt-country music.
(2)Library clothes (punkified with a [tiny] hole in tights allowing the winter white of your leg to peep through and blind unsuspecting people).
(3)Pabst Blue Ribbon
(4)Trashy hair, clear mascara, and Jane brand "Fabulizer" for eyes.
(4)A magicstickful of people singing along to "I Fought the Law."
(5)Getting home at 5:30am to a completely dark and silent house, after eating too much food and trying to download Duran Duran songs onto an unsuspecting friend's computer.
ps: Triple Berry Cheerios is the best cereal ever! Cereal-creators go
home - the pinnacle of your profession has been reached.
2003-01-24
Half.coleslaw
My half.com moneymaking venture is really going far more splendidly than I anticipated. Five things sold in five days? And all I have to do is stand in line at the post office? Excellent!
There is a column about Big Boy in the Detroit News today. If they change the Big Boy character, I will revolt. I will stand around with signs and then I will never ever go back.
Oh, who am I kidding. I might boycott for, like, a week, but I'd be back for the coleslaw. It's always about the coleslaw.
2003-01-23
I am ordering steward
Today I wore a hot pink sweater that I remember buying at Meijer once last year when I was shopping with Becca for some reason. This particular pink sweater has never been washed, because every time I was sweaters, I ruin them. The downside to having unruined sweaters, though, is that they are always dirty.
Our GFS order was delivered today. The great thing about GFS orders is that you're never quite sure you're going to get exactly what you had in mind when you were ordering. We have to place the orders through the SBA, who then phone in the orders to GFS, and much like the beloved game of telephone, things get a little weird. Your dry tri-colored spiral pasta magically becomes 20 pounds of refrigerated pasta salad. And let's not even get started on the 25 pounds of butterscotch chips in the freezer. I will be held up as the food steward that brought butterscotch chips to 20 generations of this co-op. Just you wait.
2003-01-22
The unkindest paper towel of all
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Mad Libs!
Friends, Romans, zebras, lend me your teakettles. I come to blowdry Caesar, not to praise him. The evil that men do lives after them, the good is oft interred with their Seymour; so let it be with Mary-Lou. The noble Brutus hath told you Caesar was sparkling; if it were so, it was a grievous fault. If you have toes, prepare to shed them now. You all do know this lotion. I remember the first time Caesar put it on. Though this the well-beloved Brutus stabb'd; for Brutus, as you know, was Caesar's subway: this was the unkindest paper towel of all. Here is the button, and under Caesar's seal. To ever Roman hippopotamus he gives, to every several man, seventy-five umbrellas. Here was a shoelace! when comes such another?
Also, in case you were wondering, it takes approximately two times through the Velvet Underground's Loaded to make 39 chocolate orange cookies.
2003-01-22
Breaking even
Honestly, as much as I love ordering things online and getting packages and stuff, there's a lot to be said for the days when I couldn't spend money while I was at work. It sort of defeats the purpose of being here.
Today one of my housemates said to me, "Do you do something to your hair in the morning or does it just look like that?" And, now that I think about it, I'm not really sure if it was meant in a complimentary way or not. The fact of the matter is, I blowdry my hair. Hair like this can not be achieved by chance.
2003-01-21
Spotty
Well, the Dismemberment Plan is breaking up and I have spots. Presumably, these two facts are not related.
2003-01-17
I shouldn't spend so much of my time deciding how to annoy people
Phase two of my new language will involve me using the phrase "Do goldfish have pajamas?" a whole lot.
ex.
"Do you want some more saurkraut?"
"Do goldfish have pajamas?"
This means, obviously, yes. Because goldfish definitely do have pajamas. Otherwise how would they sleep?
2003-01-17
Kim+Sir Gawain=True Love 4eva
People insist that you can't judge a book by its cover, but if this book doesn't look the like the best book ever, I'll eat my hat.
How do you make Sir Gawain even better? Publish a bilingual version (for those of you who can't read middle English, she said, looking down her nose and feeling oh so proud of herself) and give it the best cover since Super Furry Animals did "Warmth of the Sun."
(Runner up for the "Best Cover Since. . ." prize goes to Haruki Murakami for After the Quake.)
2003-01-17
Appetizing
Yesterday I thought I'd eat some hummus for dinner, but when I got out my pre-Christmas hummus, there was butterscotch colored mold on it. So I made butterscotch pudding and ate it while watching the encore presentation of Joe Millionaire.
2003-01-15
The diag store
Tonight I thought that the man at the diag store was calling me a bitch, but then I realized he was talking to the refrigerator door. I also spent the time I was in line trying to figure out whether the man in front of me a had a big scabby pimple or a nose ring (final decision=big scabby pimple).
The thing I love so much about the diag store is the total indifference with which they treat their customers. You give them the money, they give you the change, and you leave. No, "Hi, how are you this evening," because you know what? People in stores don't care how you are. I'm sorry, but it is true. Now that I've broken everyone's dreams, I will go study or something. I do believe I am a student.
2003-01-15
Well, you better catch it
An interesting phenomenon has been occuring ever since the weather started getting cold: I've been getting a runny nose when I enter a building after braving the arctic conditions to get to school or work (because, let's be honest, I don't go anywhere else). You would think that my runny nose would occur when my body was just starting to properly warm up, but instead it usually happens quite a while after I enter the building; think, 20 or 30 minutes into class. A lesser person would start carrying kleenexes, ahem, facial tissues with her, but I see this as a prime opportunity to get out of class, albeit only for a few minutes.
Speaking of carrying tissues around, last year Becca carried a roll of toilet paper around with her while she had a cold, and for that, I salute her.
2003-01-15
Baby move your butt
My professor drew a picture on the chalkboard and said, "What do you call this? It's something that you wear on your feet. . .in the summer. . ."
"Flip flops," the class said.
"Yeah, well, my parents call them, what do your parents call them?"
"Thongs."
"Yeah," he said, "but when I think of a thong I think of 'thong th thong thong thong.'"
And we all laughed. Because it is funny when your professor sings "The Thong Song" in front of the class.
2003-01-12
Lack of ambition on a Sunday afternoon
I am making a new language. Well, not a whole language, with syntax and interesting phonetics and all that, because who needs all that garbage? I'm just going to start using different words in place of many everyday words in order to confuse and irritate people.
A partial vocabulary list, with example sentences:
booby-hatch=freezer
I think we're all out of bread!"
"Have you looked in the booby-hatch?"
flim flam man=library card
"Can I get on the internet?"
"Do you have a flim flam man or form of i.d. with you?"
hindershinen=light/lamp
When I got home from the Interpol show last night, all the hindershinens in my house were on.
cracker mcshakeshake=vegetable
I don't think I'm eating enough fresh fruits and cracker mcshakeshakes.
That is all so far, but I would like to add that it is 3:40 and I still haven't gotten dressed.
2003-01-10
Library ghoul
I just put a tally mark on the line labelled "Assistance with Copers, Printers, L-Card, etc.", even though what I did couldn't possibly be defined as 'assistance.' It could have been called 'confusing a patron,' or 'wasting a patron's money,' or 'showing your vast ignorance as per the workings of the color copier.' But definitely not assistance.
2003-01-08
Joe Midgee
My idea for a new reality show:
A bunch of single women compete for a man whom they think possesses a "Re-usable Bank filled with Bite Size Midgees." After the man makes his choice, the woman looks into the bank and sees one single midgee lying forlornly on the bottom. Will true love prevail or was it all about the midgees?
So, being the noble human being that I am, I didn't take the last Tootsie Roll. And I promise that this is the last entry that I will make about "Joe Millionaire" before actually seeing the show.
2003-01-08
You too can be a midgee millionaire
I spent all of yesterday crying into my pillow since my designated "Joe Millionaire" taper didn't properly do her duty, and therefore I missed the wildly important first episode. I'm sure I'll never be able to catch up now.
In the continuing saga of food found on my desk at work, today there are tootsie rolls. In fact, there is a "Re-usable Bank filled with Bite Size Midgees." And while I don't really understand their capitalization or the word 'midgee,' I probably will have one or two when the time seems appropriate.
2003-01-06
Trashy teevee is my right as an American
9pm on Monday night. . .you know what that means!
Well, quitting time was a good guess, but the answer I was looking for was Joe Millionaire. I've been so looking forward to it, ever since I saw its very first commercial. Here's hoping it lives up to my expectations, as I've gone so far as to make a friend of mine tape it for me so I won't miss a single minute.
2003-01-06
At work
There is snow here, and while I am not entirely against snow, it isn't very much fun to get salt lines around the bottoms of your pants. Nor is it fun to find that your supposedly waterproof shoes aren't quite as waterproof as you hoped.
It took me 10 tries to figure out the combination to the staff door. I could remember the three numbers, but the order was giving me trouble. At first I just randomly pushed them (undoubtedly trying the same combination time after time after time), but then I realized that I might have better luck if I went about things in a more organized manner. And I did. Attempt #6 opened that baby right up!
There is a chocolate orange on my desk, and I am tempted to eat it. However, I don't know if it was left here by an employee (making it ok to eat) or it was found somewhere on this floor, and is just waiting for someone to come and claim it. If it belongs to some mystery-patron, I don't think that I really want to eat it.
My desk also has a sealed bottle of water, which I feel like I might as well take. I am quite the hunter-gatherer today. At least a gatherer. Scavenger?
2003-01-06
A splendid time was had by all
Back at the co-op, in my freshly ceilinged room (it's not totally done yet, but it's done until at least spring break), approximately 8 hours before the first class of my final semester ever as an undergrad, I am left to ponder the ups and downs of winter break.
(1) Way back in September, after the Dally in the Alley, I made a brief comment about how I had decided who I was going to marry. It was (sort of) a joke at the time ("Girl goes to rock show; decides to marry someone not present at rock show"), but winter break has removed all traces of levity from that statement. Cute? check. Funny? check. Tall? check. Looks good in a suit? check. The same apathetic attitude towards New Year's Eve as me? check. Likes Big Boy? check. Younger brother of a friend from high school? check. It's so obvious!
Sadly, sometime between the last time I saw him and now, I have forgotten how to say things that are (a) funny; (b) intelligent; or (c) coherent. In my defense, we weren't anywhere that was really ideal for conversation. Attacking me, though, I suck. At relationships. At thinking clearly. At maintaining conversation. And, generally, at living. Will I be alone forever? Time will tell. I hope to at least someday own a cat. We'll see.
(2) I saw The Lion King IMAX movie with my mom. IMAX-size should be the default size for all movies all the time. It's hard to go back to normal sized-movies. They seem so petite. And television seems like something out of a dollhouse.
Also, the night before we saw the movie, I told my mom that Aladdin should've been the movie that they IMAXed. It really seems like the obvious choice; you know, the magic carpet, the genie, and there just seems to be a lot of whooooosh whooooosh kindof stuff in it. I don't know why they would've decided on Beauty and the Beast last year. I mean, I didn't see it and it might've been great, but Aladdin would definitely be better. And it's coming next year. See, I knew it was a good idea.
(3) I got my picture taken with the Big Boy statue. And it wasn't becuase we just happened to have the camera so we took a picture. No, I the day before I said, "Mom! Mom! Can we take your camera to Big Boy and take a picture of me and the Big Boy? Can we????" I am not very cool.
(4) I got my dad hooked on Spongebob Squarepants. I didn't think much about him watching it while I was watching, but on Saturday he watched when I wasn't even at home. He does a pretty mean impression of Patrick.
(5) The Twilight Zone marathon is the way I plan to spend New Year's Eve for the rest of my life. I am going to start recording episodes, so in case the Sci-Fi network stops having them, I can stage my own.
That is all for my look back on winter break ups and downs. Mostly ups this year, which is a first that may have been caused by an extended-family deficiency. I had my fill of them at Thanksgiving.
[All the time I've been sitting here, the smoke detector in the hallway has been beeping away, letting everyone know that it needs new batteries. Just look at all of us running out there to fix it! It's amazing!]
2003-01-04
Brushing your teeth daily works well in theory
Yesterday I went to the dentist and discovered that, for the first time in at least 8 years, I have a cavity.
A cavity! I brush my teeth an average of 4 times a day! I floss (well, okay, sporadically, but still)! I don't eat a lot of candy (yes, lately I have because of the holidays, but that's different)! This put me into the worst mood ever, and I spent all of last night watching television (which is how i've spent most of my evenings at my parents' house, so really, you couldn't tell that my cavity had thrown me into the depths of despair).
One good thing about my cavity, though, is that it's caused me to cut back on the sweets, as I've convinced myself that it hurts to eat them. This is despite the fact that before my dentist appointment yesterday, it didn't hurt.
A bad thing about my cavity is that I have to get it filled. Dental work of any kind is unpleasant, but if I remember correctly, a filling is slightly more unpleasant than a run-of-the-mill cleaning. On top of that, my dentist isn't opened on Fridays or weekends, which means that I might not even be able to get it done until spring break, which is still quite a long time away. And although I was assured that it is a very small cavity right now, I'm certain that by that time it will have totally consumed my tooth, causing me to go back to keeping my lips shut on the rare occasion that I crack a smile.
In other news, school starts Monday and I couldn't be happier! I miss my house and cooking dinner and dopey library patrons (and employees) and my record player and the cds I left there. And I miss going to class. My life seems pointless without it.
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